All praise to Nehru and Indira, the torch bearers of Indian secularism. Having meditated upon their glory I attained secular enlightenment.
Hereby I give you Sutras of Indian Secularism that were bestowed unto me in deep prayer. Spread them far and wide. May you attain peace!
1. Thou shalt bend over backwards for minorities (to be defined in the forthcoming lines).
2. Thou shalt not ask for equal rights for all Indians. This shalt be construed as a communal act. If thou want to ask for greater privileges to Hindus as this is the only country in the world they can call their home, thou shalt be committed to an institution and the key shalt be thrown away.
3. Only two communities which cometh from outside this land shalt be considered to be minorities. Any community of Indian descent, however minuscule may be the number of its adherents, shalt not be considered to be a minority.
4. The left shalt make all possible attempts to prove that Hinduism came from outside India, lest any communal Hindu ask questions like the one above. This shalt include the right to create outlandish conjecture-based theories for which there be no proof, or for which there be proof proving the opposite.
5. As Hindus form the majority of India's population, even in states like Meghalaya, where their population proportion be lower, they shalt not be considered minorities. Hence, no privileges afforded to members of aforementioned communities shalt be extended to Hindus in such states (what were you smoking?).
6. Any death of a member of the aforementioned communities shall be construed as an attack on the secular fabric of this country, the truth be damned. However, no killing of a Hindu shall be construed this way. In fact the Hindu was probably asking for it, and definitely deserved what he got.
7. Any animal killing/tree felling by members of aforementioned communities shalt be allowed. However, Hindus shalt have no right to do ritualistic killings (seriously, what were you smoking?). Any mass animal killing by minorities shalt be acceptable.
8. If any Indian (especially Hindu) sayeth anything against a specific minority, its members art free to kill this Indian.
9. Any Indian is free to deride Hinduism and insult and abuse its Gods. There shalt be no consequences apart from declarations of support from the left about freedom of expression.
10. Any event involving fasting by Hindu women, ghunghat etc. shalt be considered regressive and patriarchal. Thou shalt blindly accept the right of minorities to keep fasts and dress up their women such that nobody can even make out the gender of the person.
11. Minority community members shalt use public areas for their worship, irrespective of the inconvenience caused to others. Hindus shalt not claim rights to any place for which there be historical and/or archaelogical evidence that a temple was destroyed.
12. "Savarna" Hindus shalt be indefinitely held guilty for perceived and actual discrimination against "backward" castes. This shalt be written and taught in history for eternity.
13. No atrocity however brutal, no genocide however massive, no destruction however widespread shalt be mentioned even in passing in history if it was against Hindus. It shalt be acceptable to deify those who commit such acts against Hindus.
14. A minority community shalt have the freedom to convert a Hindu to its fold by any means possible - monetary inducements, threats, copying Hindu rituals etc. Hindus shalt not have any right to protest (come on, we are secular!).
15. Members from foreign countries from a certain community shalt be free to come in as "refugees". They may have committed any atrocity in their home country. This shalt be overlooked. They may be settled across the country.
16. Kashmiri Pandits shalt not ask to go back to Kashmir. There were no atrocities committed against them (come on, if there was even one incident they were asking for it). Persecuted Hindus from other countries shalt not be given refuge in India.
17. If it be a matter of Hindu faith, the legal system shalt pronounce judgement, and quickly, such that Hindu rights be trampled upon. However, if said matter involves a minority communities, the legal system shalt take a few decades to deliberate, and shalt ask for mediation. The legal system shalt also be free to consider this a matter of faith that the legal system cannot adjudicate upon.
18. The state shalt extract money from Hindu institutions. It shalt be free to spend this on members of all communities. It shalt be free to even provide benefits to Hindus who convert to a minority community.
19. The state shalt not interfere in any religious matters of the aforementioned minorities. It shalt not collect money from them in any way.
20. Any scripture of Hindus, however humane or scientific it may be shalt be considered for public teaching (really, I want the stuff you keep smoking).
21. Any Indian shalt be free to raise insulting and outlandish questions against any Hindu God. For this they shalt not need any prior reading of Hindu texts. No religious scripture or personality of a minority community shall be commented upon as these are matters of faith and law and order.
22. Only crackers burst during Deepavali shalt be considered polluting.
23. Common laws shalt apply mostly to Hindus. Minorities shalt be free to have their own civil laws.
24. All literature, history, laws, policies etc. shall be created in such that the Hindu loses all sense of his civilisational history and prominence.
Hereby I give you Sutras of Indian Secularism that were bestowed unto me in deep prayer. Spread them far and wide. May you attain peace!
1. Thou shalt bend over backwards for minorities (to be defined in the forthcoming lines).
2. Thou shalt not ask for equal rights for all Indians. This shalt be construed as a communal act. If thou want to ask for greater privileges to Hindus as this is the only country in the world they can call their home, thou shalt be committed to an institution and the key shalt be thrown away.
3. Only two communities which cometh from outside this land shalt be considered to be minorities. Any community of Indian descent, however minuscule may be the number of its adherents, shalt not be considered to be a minority.
4. The left shalt make all possible attempts to prove that Hinduism came from outside India, lest any communal Hindu ask questions like the one above. This shalt include the right to create outlandish conjecture-based theories for which there be no proof, or for which there be proof proving the opposite.
5. As Hindus form the majority of India's population, even in states like Meghalaya, where their population proportion be lower, they shalt not be considered minorities. Hence, no privileges afforded to members of aforementioned communities shalt be extended to Hindus in such states (what were you smoking?).
6. Any death of a member of the aforementioned communities shall be construed as an attack on the secular fabric of this country, the truth be damned. However, no killing of a Hindu shall be construed this way. In fact the Hindu was probably asking for it, and definitely deserved what he got.
7. Any animal killing/tree felling by members of aforementioned communities shalt be allowed. However, Hindus shalt have no right to do ritualistic killings (seriously, what were you smoking?). Any mass animal killing by minorities shalt be acceptable.
8. If any Indian (especially Hindu) sayeth anything against a specific minority, its members art free to kill this Indian.
9. Any Indian is free to deride Hinduism and insult and abuse its Gods. There shalt be no consequences apart from declarations of support from the left about freedom of expression.
10. Any event involving fasting by Hindu women, ghunghat etc. shalt be considered regressive and patriarchal. Thou shalt blindly accept the right of minorities to keep fasts and dress up their women such that nobody can even make out the gender of the person.
11. Minority community members shalt use public areas for their worship, irrespective of the inconvenience caused to others. Hindus shalt not claim rights to any place for which there be historical and/or archaelogical evidence that a temple was destroyed.
12. "Savarna" Hindus shalt be indefinitely held guilty for perceived and actual discrimination against "backward" castes. This shalt be written and taught in history for eternity.
13. No atrocity however brutal, no genocide however massive, no destruction however widespread shalt be mentioned even in passing in history if it was against Hindus. It shalt be acceptable to deify those who commit such acts against Hindus.
14. A minority community shalt have the freedom to convert a Hindu to its fold by any means possible - monetary inducements, threats, copying Hindu rituals etc. Hindus shalt not have any right to protest (come on, we are secular!).
15. Members from foreign countries from a certain community shalt be free to come in as "refugees". They may have committed any atrocity in their home country. This shalt be overlooked. They may be settled across the country.
16. Kashmiri Pandits shalt not ask to go back to Kashmir. There were no atrocities committed against them (come on, if there was even one incident they were asking for it). Persecuted Hindus from other countries shalt not be given refuge in India.
17. If it be a matter of Hindu faith, the legal system shalt pronounce judgement, and quickly, such that Hindu rights be trampled upon. However, if said matter involves a minority communities, the legal system shalt take a few decades to deliberate, and shalt ask for mediation. The legal system shalt also be free to consider this a matter of faith that the legal system cannot adjudicate upon.
18. The state shalt extract money from Hindu institutions. It shalt be free to spend this on members of all communities. It shalt be free to even provide benefits to Hindus who convert to a minority community.
19. The state shalt not interfere in any religious matters of the aforementioned minorities. It shalt not collect money from them in any way.
20. Any scripture of Hindus, however humane or scientific it may be shalt be considered for public teaching (really, I want the stuff you keep smoking).
21. Any Indian shalt be free to raise insulting and outlandish questions against any Hindu God. For this they shalt not need any prior reading of Hindu texts. No religious scripture or personality of a minority community shall be commented upon as these are matters of faith and law and order.
22. Only crackers burst during Deepavali shalt be considered polluting.
23. Common laws shalt apply mostly to Hindus. Minorities shalt be free to have their own civil laws.
24. All literature, history, laws, policies etc. shall be created in such that the Hindu loses all sense of his civilisational history and prominence.
