On the institution of marriage - 2

I had written a post earlier on the institution of marriage. I have been asked to comment on life post marriage. To protect our privacy I cannot comment directly on the same. However I will write about a few things which I believe are part of or essential to any couple's happy married life. Before I am pilloried I will put a disclaimer here - the sequence does not necessarily indicate the importance of the topic being discussed.

The first is companionship. Before marriage a person comes into contact with a lot of people in his/her life - parents, relatives, friends, girl/boy (generally not both!) friends. However in an inexpressible way the companionship provided by one's spouse is completely different. Here are two people who have made a (generally) public pact to remain wedded to each other, come what may, for the rest of their lives, or as said at Christian weddings, till death does them part. Who said it is not possible to fall in love after marriage? It is possible to realize the extent to which a person can love you truly after the wedding only. Before marriage one generally sees only the rosy aspects of life. Things can change even between people who were in love before marriage. A kind of complacency can set in which can prove to be most dangerous. However when you find a person who loves you beyond what you thought was humanly possible after the wedding, that is when you find true bliss on earth. This companionship is the hallmark of any successful marriage. As I mentioned before, the thing that must be avoided at all costs is taking the other person for granted. Thus a healthy respect for the other individual coupled with other emotions is essential. In Indian philosophy there is the concept of "neti" or not this. When one is asked to describe Brahman (the ultimate form of God, and not the caste) one can only say that it is not such and such. One can never truly describe what it is. Similar is the concept of this companionship. It can only be experienced felt and cannot be described.

Next I want to mention trust. This is the foundation of any marriage. When one cannot trust the other partner completely there is never complete peace of mind. Today I was talking to a friend of mine who is in the FMCG industry. We were comparing notes on the tours and travails (apart from travels) of people in employment today. Even people in stationary jobs come into contact with a lot of people. The husband who starts suspecting his software employee wife as she comes late everyday is setting up their relationship for disaster. Thus both have to build this trust and maintain it. It goes without saying that they should remain true to each other!

One very important aspect is understanding. This probably is as important if not more than any other parameter in a marriage. When two human beings stay under a roof there are bound to be disagreements. The success of the marriage depends on how these are overcome. There is also a delicious feeling to making up after a fight. This is another thing that probably only a married couple can understand. This parameter is more prominently required in an arranged marriage as the two do not know each other properly.

In my opinion any other parameter would be secondary as compared to the ones mentioned above. Now we come to love. I believe this develops (or does not) as a consequence of either the combined effect of the above mentioned parameters or the expectation of the above parameters. The sitcom Friends had an episode where Joey says that there is no selfless act. Let us look at what might be perceived to be a selfless act - I see a hungry person on the street. Though I have my lunch with me I wish to give to the hungry person. In the process I have foregone my physical nourishment. However I have gained mental happiness. Thus one would be hard pressed to find something that is truly selfless (with all due respects and apologies I do confess that I am leaving out instances of martyrdom). Love is something similar. We love someone who we want in our lives. We love because of the mental image we have of them. However this is one emotion that beats everything! As it is said, it is love that makes the world go round!

For those of my friends out there who are in doubt whether or not to marry, or whether it is too soon to marry I can only tell them this - it is a blessed experience to be married to a person, to be insanely in love with that person and to be loved back with as much if not greater intensity. There is probably no other joy a man or woman can experience (with due respect to parents and siblings) than that of wedded bliss.